Wars of the Roses on Facebook: Susan Higginbotham

The following post was submitted by Susan Higginbotham, author of historical fiction novels such as Hugh and Bess and The Stolen Crown. This is a popular post with Susan's blog followers, and is very funny if you know the characters of the Wars of the Roses AND Facebook jargon!


What if some of the figures from the Wars of the Roses joined Facebook (and some people from other centuries dropped in from time to time)? It might look something like this:
Margaret of Anjou joined the Frenchwomen Don't Get Fat and French Girls Make Better Brides groups.
Henry VI needs a marriage manual. Fast.
    William de la Pole, Marquis of Suffolk commented: Just lie back and think of England.
    Henry VI sent a private message to William de la Pole, Marquis of Suffolk: It's not working.
    William de la Pole, Marquis of Suffolk replied: Is the girl in the bed with you?
    Henry VI replied: Oh!!!!

Henry VI sent a gift of Maine to Charles VII.
    Margaret of Anjou, William de la Pole, Marquis of Suffolk, and Rene of Anjou like this

William de la Pole, Duke of Suffolk joined the I'm a Duke Now, and Everything's Going to Be Just Great group

William de la Pole, Duke of Suffolk joined the Don't Think of It as Exile, Think of It as a Holiday! group

William de la Pole, Duke of Suffolk, fails to appreciate how having your head chopped off with a sword is any better than having it chopped off with an ax.
    Anne Boleyn likes this.

Richard, Duke of York thinks it's time to come back to England
    Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick likes this
    Edmund Beaufort, first Duke of Somerset commented: Oh, boy. I can hardly wait.
    Richard, Duke of York commented: Neither can I!

Margaret of Anjou joined the Preggers at Last! About Bloody Time! group.

Richard, Duke of York, wrote on Margaret of Anjou's wall: Hey, it's been a while since Henry VI posted! What's up there?
    Margaret of Anjou: He's just not into social networking anymore. That's all. Don't stress about it.

Margaret of Anjou joined the Let's Name Our Firstborn Son Edward Just to Bug the Hell out of Future Historical Novelists group

Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick took a quiz: Who Fathered Margaret of Anjou's baby? Would you like to take the quiz?

Richard, Duke of York is really excited about being named Protector of England while Henry VI "rests."
    Cecily, Duchess of York likes this.

Margaret joined the Just Because I'm Halfway Civil to a Man Doesn't Mean He Fathered My Child group

Henry VI is feeling much better now, thank you.
    Margaret of Anjou likes this
    Edward of Lancaster likes this

Richard, Duke of York, wrote on Edward of Lancaster's wall: Aren't you too young to have a Facebook account?
    Edward of Lancaster commented: Bug off, Ricky boy.

Richard, Duke of York joined the Don't Think of It as Exile, Think of It as a Holiday! group

Richard, Duke of York does not have a Facebook account listed. Would you like to start an account for Richard, Duke of York?

Margaret of Anjou is looking forward to conquering her enemies and then getting back to her nice, comfy bed at Greenwich.

Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick sent a gift of a shiny new crown to Edward, Earl of March.

Edward, Earl of March has updated his profile to read "Edward IV, King of England."

Margaret of Anjou [this post has been removed from Facebook due to inappropriate language]

Richard Woodville, Lord Rivers and Anthony Woodville, Lord Scales joined the I Love the House of York! No, Really! group

Margaret of Anjou and Edward, Prince of Wales joined the Don't Think of It as Exile, Think of It as a Holiday! group

Elizabeth Grey joined the I Don't Put Out! Not Even if You're a King! group

Elizabeth Grey is heading to Reading today and can hardly wait until her next status update.
    Jacquetta, Duchess of Bedford likes this.

Elizabeth Grey is married to THE KING!!!!! That's right, girlfriends, THE KING!!!!!!
    Richard Grey, Thomas Grey, Anthony Woodville, Anne Woodville, Mary Woodville, Edward Woodville, Richard Woodville, Lionel Woodville, Jacquetta     Woodville, Joan Woodville, Richard Woodville, Lord Rivers, and Jacquetta Woodville, Duchess of Bedford like this
    Eliza, Lady Scales: You rule, girl!
    Katherine Woodville: Oh, I want to marry a duke!
    John Woodville: Got an elderly duchess for me, sis?

Facebook was temporarily unavailable today. Our technical support staff has investigated and discovered that this was due to excessively heavy traffic on our site in the area of Grafton, England. We apologize for the inconvenience.

William Hastings wrote on Edward IV's wall. "Caught you, Ned, didn't she?"

Cecily, Duchess of York is having a very bad day.

Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick, is having an even worse day.

Eleanor Talbot is trying to figure out how to get the royal monograms off her silverware.

Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick sent a friend request to Margaret of Anjou. Message: If you ever feel like working together, Meg, just PM me.
Margaret of Anjou, Queen of England and Don't You Forget It, Either! loves it when men do some serious groveling.

Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick has sore knees.

Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick joined the I Love the House of Lancaster! No, Really! group.

Edward IV, King of England joined the Don't Think of It as Exile, Think of It as a Holiday! group.

Elizabeth, Queen of England, No Matter What That Frenchwoman Says is going for a nice little rest at Westminster Abbey sanctuary.

Henry VI, King of England wishes someone would explain to him why he has to come out of the Tower and put on the king outfit again.
    Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick sent a message to Henry VI: Just sit tight. I'll explain it all to you when I get there.

Elizabeth, Queen of England, No Matter What That Frenchwoman Says joined the Let's Name Our Firstborn Son Edward and Bug the Hell out of Future Historical Novelists group.

Edward of Lancaster, Prince of Wales, is really looking forward to chopping off some Yorkist heads.

Edward IV is BACK!!!!!! PARTY!!!!!!

Margaret of Anjou joined the Decorating Your Prison Cell for Less group.
    Henry VI left this group.

Anne Neville is thinking of taking some cookery classes to cheer her up in her widowhood.
    George, Duke of Clarence likes this.

Richard, Duke of Gloucester thinks it's high time to get married.
    George, Duke of Clarence commented: Maybe there's a Woodville girl free?
    Richard, Duke of Gloucester commented: I was aiming a bit higher, brother dearest.

George, Duke of Clarence joined the Decorating Your Prison Cell for Less group.

George, Duke of Clarence said he'd like to drown his sorrows, but he didn't mean it lit--

Edward IV has an annoying head cold but should be just fine in a day or so.
    Richard, Duke of Gloucester commented: Hope you feel better soon, bro!

Richard, Duke of Gloucester is wondering how he would look in purple.

Edward, Prince of Wales changed his profile to read Edward V, King of England.
    Anthony Woodville, Earl Rivers likes this.

Edward V is going to London with Uncle Anthony. Hope to see Uncle Richard and Uncle Harry on the way!
    Richard, Duke of Gloucester and Henry Stafford, Duke of Buckingham like this.

Anthony Woodville, Earl Rivers is taking an unexpected trip to Pontefract.

Edward V, King of England would like certain people to remember that he's the King of England. Not them.
    Richard, Duke of York sent a message to Edward V: Uncle Dickon giving you trouble?
    Edward V, King of England, replied: He's a prick. I'll text you.

Richard, Duke of Gloucester is reading What Color is Your Parachute? A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers on Goodreads.

William, Lord Hastings is getting ready to go to a boring council meeting. Then supper with Mistress Shore. Sweet!

John Morton, Bishop of Ely hopes everyone likes the nice strawberries he's grown.

William, Lord Hastings fails to appreciate how wonderful it is to be the first person executed on Tower Green.
    Anne Boleyn likes this.

Edward V is really pissed that his Uncle Richard is making him close his Facebook account.
    Edward, Earl of Warwick: Bummer, dude. Text me.
    Richard, Duke of York: C U Soon, Ned!

Richard, Duke of Gloucester changed his profile to read Richard III, King of England.
    Henry Stafford, Duke of Buckingham likes this.

Anne, Queen of England is wondering if she'll have time to get to the hairdresser for her coronation.
    Elizabeth, Queen of England No Matter What that Stupid Dickon Says commented: Just put a bag over your head, dearie. No one will notice.
    Anne, Queen of England: Well, I never!
    Elizabeth, Queen of England No Matter What that Stupid Dickon Says: Yes, that's why you only have the one child, dearie.

Henry Stafford, Duke of Buckingham is feeling very important today.

Richard III, King of England is having a great time on his royal progress. They like me! They really, really like me!

Henry Stafford, Duke of Buckingham is feeling confused.
    John Morton, Bishop of Ely sent a message to Henry Stafford, Duke of Buckingham: What's wrong, your grace? Maybe I can help.

Henry Tudor is looking for "England" on Map Quest. Oh, there it is!
    Henry Stafford, Duke of Buckingham likes this.
    John Morton, Bishop of Ely likes this.
    Jasper Tudor likes this.
    Margaret Beaufort, Countess of Richmond, likes this.
    Elizabeth Woodville, Queen of England No Matter What That Stupid Dickon Says likes this.

Margaret Beaufort, Countess of Richmond, wrote on Henry Tudor's wall: You are my own sweet son and all my worldly joy. I will be so happy when you arrive in England.
    Henry Tudor sent a message to Margaret Beaufort, Countess of Richmond: Er, Mum, next time could you send that to me privately instead of posting it on my wall?
    Margaret Beaufort, Countess of Richmond replied: Sorry, my dearest. I haven't got the hang of the Internet yet. Did you pack a pair of warm slippers for the voyage over?

Henry Stafford, Duke of Buckingham, should have checked The Weather Channel before leaving Wales.
    Richard III, King of England commented: God, you're pathetic, Harry. You know you couldn't organize an orgy in a brothel, much less a revolt.
    John de la Pole, Earl of Lincoln likes this.

Henry Tudor sent a message to Margaret Beaufort, Countess of Richmond: Don't worry, Mum, I'll get here sooner or later.
    Margaret Beaufort, Countess of Richmond: Sigh.

Elizabeth of York is SO looking forward to getting out of sanctuary and staying at Uncle Richard's court.
    Richard III, King of England commented: Be sure to bring that dress I mentioned that time when I visited you and your mother in sanctuary.
    Elizabeth of York: But isn't that the one you said was tight, Uncle?
    Richard III, King of England: That's the one!

Eleanor de Clare, Lady Despenser invited Elizabeth of York to join the My Uncle the King Is One Swell Guy group.
    Elizabeth of York accepted the invitation.

Anne, Queen of England joined the It's Not Consumption, It's Just a Nagging Cough group.

Richard III, King of England just wishes people would mind their own business for a change. Can't a lonely widower be friendly to an extremely good-looking, buxom young lady who happens to be his niece without everyone posting on Facebook and Twitter about it?

Elizabeth of York: Stupid Sheriff Hutton. Where's the sheriff, anyway?

Henry Tudor sent a message to Margaret Beaufort, Countess of Richmond: This time, Mum, I'm coming. I promise.
    Margaret Beaufort: Don't forget your warm cloak.

Richard III, King of England, is headed out to show that Welsh upstart who's the boss around here, once and for all.
    William Stanley and Thomas Stanley like this.
    William Stanley and Thomas Stanley unliked this.

You have an invitation from Margaret Beaufort, Countess of Richmond to become a fan of Henry VII, King of England.
    Elizabeth of York became a fan of Henry VII, King of England.

Margaret Beaufort, Countess of Richmond started the My Son is King of England, and What Does Your Son Do for a Living? group.

Henry VII, King of England is pleased to announce the birth of his second son, Henry, today.
    Catherine of Aragon likes this.
    Anne Boleyn likes this.
    Jane Seymour likes this.
    Anne of Cleves likes this.
    Katherine Howard likes this.
    Katherine Parr likes this.
    Elizabeth I likes this.
    The Church of England likes this.
    William Shakespeare likes this.
    The British tourism industry likes this.
    Hollywood likes this.
    The English-language publishing industry likes this.

Arthur, Prince of Wales is wondering what all the fuss is about. Stupid baby brother.   

Reprinted with permission. Susan Higginbotham's blog can be found at Medieval Woman: Blogging with Historical Fiction Writer Susan Higginbotham